I have always been a romantic at heart. And I think I owe my unrealistic expectations of marriage to watching too many Disney movies as a kid! I thought a relationship should be an epic love story where the husband forever lovingly looks into his wife’s eyes..
Now fast track to 12-years of marriage, 3 crazily wonderful boys, a mortgage, dishes in the sink, and toilets to clean. Not so fairytale-like.
My hubby and I have had our share of ups and downs. I am extremely sensitive, shy, and terrible at voicing my opinions. While my husband is extremely confident, well-spoken, loud, and has no resistance to sharing his opinions. Totally oil and water.
This mix-match in personalities was magnified when we had kids. We were both exhausted! Little arguments about ‘dishes in the sink’ would spiral into arguments about something completely unrelated.
This marriage reality is way too common!
Many wives feel unappreciated and resentment towards their partners. Petty arguments, tension, and lack of connection become the norm for daily conversations. Eventually, it feels like you could just put a record on, and play the same argument over and over again.
As wives, we often think: If he would only help more. Talk nicer. Then things would get better. However, as much as we would like to change our spouse, we cannot!
So, let me share with you the 3 Ways to Save your Marriage when your partner is not interested in changing.
Essentially you 100% have the power to transform your marriage by transforming YOU. It is a simple concept that involves some deep diving into your emotions and beliefs.
1. Why is recognizing your TRIGGERS the foundation for creating the ultimate marriage
Ready for a game changer that can save your marriage? Drum roll, please…. It’s time to embrace your triggers. Triggers are unwanted emotions that may be subtle or come on very strong. We’re talking about feeling frustration, anger, sadness, embarrassment, jealousy, envy, nervousness, and embarrassment. You name it, if it’s unwanted, it’s called a trigger emotion. Triggers can initiate from other people’s words, actions or behaviors.
It is now time to celebrate when we feel triggered! WHAT? Yes, triggers are gifts. Triggers are little hints into the uncomfortable emotions that you experienced in your past, but did not fully process.
Once you begin to see all unwanted emotions that arise from your interactions with your husband as a “gift” your marriage will 100% start shifting towards the happy zone.
Let me share a personal example with you. When my 3 boys were quite young, my husband once came home late from a long and frustrating day at work. He asked, “what have you done all day?” His message came with an undertone of frustration, as he wasn’t impressed to come home to laundry and toys are everywhere.
How do you think I responded?
Reaction A: “It was not a great day. The kids were off. I am exhausted. And I can imagine you’re exhausted from your long day too.”
Reaction B: “What do you think I did all day? I have two kids. They won’t nap. One is teething. It was a disaster of a day.”
Clearly, reaction B was the triggered version of me. The question he posed triggered a reaction in me because I felt unappreciated and defensive for all that I do as a mom.
Triggers are clues into areas where maybe we don’t feel worthy, deserving, or loved. So when you feel triggered, the key is to ask yourself, “what do I need in this situation? What do I need to hear from someone? What do I need to own about myself?”
Feeling triggered is a massive clue into the deep-rooted causes that are playing havoc on your relationship.
Being triggered by my husband’s comment was a hint into my desire to be validated and appreciated by others. I wanted my husband to acknowledge that it’s hard work being a mom and that I was doing well.
But in fact, all those things I wanted to hear from my husband are actually things that I need to believe within myself. By needing someone else’s validation, I am acting from a place of lower self worth.
When you can neutralize the triggers, you no longer feel uncomfortable emotions, and will only operate from a place of love, worth and grace. The conversations with your spouse will become lighter, enjoyable and fun…. Maybe even flirty.
So how to neutralize those triggers….
2. How understanding your INNER CHILD gives you massive clues into what you need within your marriage.
Your inner child captures the playful aspects of your personality, but it can also hold the emotions and memories associated with challenging times.
These challenging times could be considered childhood wounds that are unhealed, unprocessed emotions from events like watching another kid get scolded for misbehaviour, not making a school team, being bullied, a death in the family, parents divorce, or abuse.
Your (wounded) inner child most often resurfaces in a magnified way within our romantic or family relationships via triggers.
It is beliefs such as not feeling good enough, not having enough money, or believing that you have to act a certain way, that keep you stuck in the unhealthy patterns of people-pleasing behaviours, feeling unappreciated, perfectionist tendencies, feeling unheard, and feeling unloved.
When we connect with our inner child, we can access memories, beliefs, and the associated emotions that have not yet been fully processed.
The amazing thing about your inner child is that you have the power to release emotions and beliefs from your past that have been holding you back.
Often it can feel scary to have to face these past memories. But the good news is that you never have to relive them, instead, you will release the emotions associated with these past events by observing them with empowerment and love.
The outcome is that you will reconnect with those authentic aspects of our personality that were lost, hidden, or buried during childhood, allowing you to react to challenges in your adult life from your authentic adult personality, rather than from your childlike self.
It is critical to be aware and listen to your triggers, as the triggers are often your inner child’s voice asking for love and acceptance. Bringing these hurts out of your shadows and into the light will help you own and accept these wounded aspects of your essence.
3. The importance of unleashing your AUTHENTIC SELF into your marriage.
Feeling overwhelm, frustration, angry, guilt, worry, or fear are all signs that you are out of alignment with your true authentic self.
For years, many of us have been moulded to act a certain way, do things a certain way, causing us to lose ourselves, and our identity.
So how do you find your authentic self?
The key to reconnecting with the ‘true you’ is to go back to a time in your life when you felt so happy, and everything flowed with ease the way it was supposed to.
Can you think of a time like this?
If you can’t think of a time like this- then imagine what it would be like to feel no resistance in what you do. Think about what that version of you would be like if you could unleash it into your relationship.
This version of you would not feel triggered by things that your husband did or said, because you would feel so grounded and observe each situation with such grace.
It is such an incredible space to be in.
This incredible, high vibe version of you, often rubs off on your spouse. The women I’ve worked with start reconnecting and enjoying their time with their spouse, as the nagging and petty arguments become a thing of the past.
Putting it all Together
Overall, it starts with wanting to truly shift your marriage. And the best way to transform a marriage is to transform yourself.
This all starts with recognizing the trigger, embracing it, and releasing the root of the trigger by journaling, mediating, getting out in nature, or simply asking yourself, “why do I feel this way, and see what the gut response is.”
We all have the ability to take our power back and create the marriage we always desired! Are you ready?
Beth Miller is a Marriage Coach, Wife, Mom, Teacher of Psychology, Certified Hypnotist who supports women with fixing their marriage struggles even when their partners don’t want to change, by helping women transform their marriages by transforming themselves through the power of releasing hidden emotions and beliefs from the subconscious.
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